John Carter - film review

I went to see John Carter the other day.I was all excited for a bit of action and Disney fun. I thought it was going to be great because the guy who made 'Nemo' and 'Wall-e' was doing it. Turned out that it was boring and just, not a good movie. It started off just kinda confusing and an hour in I was still so confused I had to leave. Staying for the full 2 hours and a bit would have been a mistake because I would have got so annoyed or even more confused (if thats possible) and I would have talked through the rest of it.

The old story goes that John Carter is a Civil War Vet and he is in search of gold. No one believes he can find the gold he is looking for and knows exists and then for some reason, I missed if someone can fill me in,  they arrest him. Suddenly he finds a thing that transports him to mars. On Mars he meets these alien dudes with four arms and a princess and yadi yadi yada.. the tale unfolds as such.

Now I'm not wrong in saying that the film is a confusing one because I've read elsewhere that it confused people. One hilarious thing I heard from a critic was that because it was such a strange mixture of outer space travel and period drama from the American civil war it was too confusing and it made you feel ''like your head was being baked into one colossal loaf of white bread'' how brilliant is that statement.

I never really care if a film is a flop in the box office. I never listen to the figures, in fact I don't understand the figures AT ALL, but everyone is raving how its a flop, it's confusing, its boring, they were just showing off how much money they had to spend, the story didn't make sense and so on... I normally like to give the filmmakers a chance and see past the reviews, but whoa they were right, just like they were right with 'The Devil Inside' having the worst ending ever they were right on the money that I was going to be confused and sort of want my money back. Now I didn't get my money back but I won't be buying the DVD.

It wasn't all bad. The little creatures were cute and of course Taylor Kitsch is really hot, but that wasn't enough to keep me in my seat. I had to leave before I started talking and annoying people around me. The bit where Carter gets arrested at the start was funny when he kept trying to escape and they kept catching him, but I really don't think kids would get that and it would just confuse them. When Carter lands on Mars  he can't find his bearings and keeps falling, that has potential to be so much funner and funnier than it was. It wasn't long after he met the aliens and the girl that I left.

Now maybe I should have stayed till the end in fairness but I just couldn't. The film started with some random voyage and then shot back in time to John Carter and then forward to the kid from spy kids who was supposed to be John Carter's heir, I couldn't help but see Kitsch as a child throughout the film because of his role in FNL as a teen which didn't help with my confusion either. I just didn't know what was going on and because I didn't sit through the whole thing I never found out any of the answers. Feel free to give out and inform me what the fuck was going on please?!

Sorry Disney and Andrew Stanton that I left the movie. I couldn't sit there someone would have killed me for moaning or talking too much. Better luck next time. And basically people, wait for it to be on TV.